Paninis from Panera Bread.

Paninis from Panera Bread are the most dangerous of all food items, baring those that are expired and/or poisoned.

The crust on all of Panera’s breads is crispy and delicious, so long as it remains in baguette form. However, once these breads are sliced, what was once a perfect, not-too-chewy, not-too-hard crust becomes a razor specifically designed to annihilate the roof of your mouth. Not unlike Captain Crunch. While eating a cold sandwich, the doughy inside of the bread provides relief, or at least pause on the assault. However, with a panini, the entire outside of the sandwich takes on almost immalleable properties during the heating process, resulting in a constant onslaught of pain bite after bite.

But, there is good news. Immediately after you’ve Ginsu’d your soft mouth flesh, your new wounds are cauterized by the molten ingredients encased in the bread. Not unlike a Hot Pocket. If you’re lucky, the extreme heat will sear you to such a degree that you’re rendered anesthetized for the entire consumption process. And, at least you’re not hungry anymore.


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