Posts Tagged ‘doctor visit

26
Feb
17

Kidney Wanted

Finally had my Kidney Transplant Evaluation this week!

I have been evaluated and found deserving of a donor kidney! Hooray!

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No real surprise there, as the ongoing theme continues to be I am in perfect health, besides my mysteriously failing kidneys. They’ll run some tests just to make sure, again, but looks promising. It also sounds like, barring complications, my recovery time is likely to be about half or less than what is usually projected.

As expected, it was mostly bureaucratic hoops. We didn’t really learn any new information, as it was mostly geared towards people who don’t read pamphlets or use the internet. We “watched a video” which was actually a narrated power point presentation containing identical information as a packet I received and memorized three months ago. We spent more time in waiting rooms than talking to medical professionals, as usual. We spoke with another nephrologist, who ran a basic physical on me; and a social worker, who asked me a bunch of questions I could easily lie about, but didn’t. The whole thing kind of felt like starting a job at Target. You take a questionnaire with a bunch of extremely obvious behavioral questions and you watch a safety video about the dangers of wrapping a power cord around a ladder during a flood or something.

ANYWAY, that’s over with and now I’m officially on the UNOS list and eligible to receive a donor kidney!

I have type O blood, which is the rarest recipient type — I can only receive another type O kidney.

The current wait time for a type O kidney in the Bay Area is 6 years.

I am already in Stage 5 end-stage renal disease (ESRD) according to my numbers; GFR is holding steady at about 13, and my creatinine continues to slowly climb–it’s at about 4.5 now. It’s been months since I was hospitalized and they’re still not getting any better. Without a new kidney, it’s only a matter of time before I start showing symptoms and need dialysis to live. By all accounts, being on dialysis is terrible. Plus it reduces my life expectancy significantly and makes it more complicated to get a transplant. Time is of the essence! Luckily! I have a lot of caring people volunteering to give me their kidney. Even if we don’t share the same blood type, or aren’t a good match due to antibodies, a viable donor could still help me get a kidney through paired donation.

My transplant nephrologist has made it known to everyone in the transplant program that “we should be moving faster than we normally would”, and that announcement has already been effective. We were told my sister would have to resubmit the questionnaire she filled out months ago before she could start her lab work up and that there would be a totally arbitrary bureaucratic two-week waiting period before she was even called back to schedule that. We were waiting for me to get my usual lab work done when I received a call telling me Jess wouldn’t be waiting after all and could go ahead and get her labs done that day. Later that day, they called my mother and sent her the lab order to get hers done as well. Things are happening!

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Once a match is found, we could be scheduling surgery inside of six weeks. Jess and I suspect the thing we’ll end up waiting on is insurance.

If you would like to give me your kidney, please read this informative post and start by filling out this questionnaire. You will need my full name and birthdate — please message me privately if you have any questions.

In other news, I’ve mostly bounced back from that hemoglobin dip I saw a couple weeks ago that tanked my energy for a few days — it’s back up to 9. Apparently, 8.5 is about my cutoff for feeling like shit. Thanks anemia! Still not sure what caused it, but I’m still hoping to solve it with some adjustments to my diet. I’ve also bounced back from that mishap with my BP meds that happened around the same time. I no longer feel like ALL OF MY BONES ARE COMING APART, which is great. Also! My BP has been around 125/80 which is super normal! Hopefully it holds. My steroid dosage is down to 15mg now (from 60mg when I left the hospital) and I’m having a lot less side effects, so that’s substantially improved my quality of life. Insomnia isn’t really an issue anymore and my mood feels more stable overall most of the time. My mostly-vegan, low-sodium diet continues to be the best for managing my fluid retention, so Sausage D isn’t much of an issue anymore, even with the added fluids from chemo every month. I’m in pretty good shape. Hopefully, as we continue to taper down my steroids, my face will go back to normal and if I can keep my hemoglobin up I won’t be so tired. I’m still in near-constant pain on my left side, which concerns me, but doesn’t seem to be concerning anyone else. Sounds like so long as I’m not vomiting again, fainting, or peeing blood, I’m “fine”.

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14
Dec
16

Get me off this rollercoaster. 

Having a total blast at Chemo!

Double time fluids hollaaaaa!

No, that’s not true. Chemo’s a drag, and I had a bit of a rough start this morning. I’m really tired today — like regular I-was-up-late-and-I-had-to-get-up-really-early-and-I-wish-I-had-coffee tired. Then my nurse had a bit of a rough touch getting my IV in, then it bled everywhere, then it slid out a bit, then I almost fainted, because even after weeks of this I still have a pretty substantial anxious response to needles which is super obnoxious.

NOTE: This is draft ten of this post. I’ve been trying to get a post out since Saturday and just can’t wrap this up, and now it’s changed tone so many times from new developments over the last few days, I’ve decided to keep what I drafted earlier today when I was still getting Chemo and I will update below with the current state of things. I’m writing to you now from insomnia on Wednesday after Chemo. 

I’ve been on a fucking rollercoaster today and jesus am I ready to get off. I’m just gonna write this, hope it’s cathartic, go to sleep (hopefully), proofread tomorrow (maybe), and hit post. Things are gonna get a little more personal in this one, read at your own risk. :END NOTE

I really hope Chemo doesn’t wipe me out. Aside from tons of pain related to water-weight I’ve been feeling super good lately! We adjusted a bunch of my meds at the start of last week, and the last few days I’ve been feeling really good. I’ve been getting more sleep, I’ve been losing weight, and my energy has been great. My BP is hovering around 130/80 now. My hemoglobin is 10.4 today, which is “GREAT for [me]”. I have no idea what my kidney numbers are, but I got blood drawn on Friday, so I’m hoping Josh delivers me numbers while I’m in Chemo today and that they are reflective of how good I feel for once. Last time it seemed like I tolerated the Chemo fine, but they did so much other horrible shit to me the days following and I was freaking out after having not slept for days, so it’s hard to parse out what I reacted to. Also, I was feeling so shitty I probably wouldn’t have been able to detect much of a decline. I worry that now that I feel better I’m going to perceive more adverse effects. I’m also worried that I’m going to get neutral/bad kidney numbers again. It concerns me that it’s been over a month and I feel relatively fine but I’m still so close to kidney failure. Especially because I’ve been dragging my feet a bit on this living donor transplant thing, so right now I don’t have a back-up plan ready.

I just haven’t been able to wrap my head around the kidney transplant thing yet.

I’ve taken a very One Step at a Time approach to this whole development and I haven’t gotten to the Find a New Kidney step yet. I think I’ve sorted out the Figure Out My New Diet step, and I’ve nearly wrapped up the Establish a Routine at Work step. This week is Find Out How Much Chemo Actually Sucks step. Next should probably be Find a New Kidney.

The main things bothering me now continue to be the pain in my legs from the extra weight and swelling, and mood swings and insomnia from the steroids. It still seems to me like my high blood pressure was the thing causing me the most grief, and now that that’s handled, I feel pretty good. My anemia is managed and my low kidney function is getting managed, and hopefully improving. I’ve taken for granted how much standing I need to do. I worked from home three days last week to rest and reduce exposure to office germs. I had planned to do what I did the week before and go into the office Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, but on Wednesday I ended up having to run to Walgreens to pick up some meds, which resulted in a very long standing in line situation. I also needed to make myself a bunch of food, which resulted in a lot of standing in the kitchen. By the end of Wednesday my legs were still really sore, especially my ankles. I woke up on Thursday really tired with a bit of a headache and decided going to the office was a bad idea and stayed home. The extra couple hours laying in bed instead of commuting to work helped and I was able to have a really productive and more restful workday — probably even more productive than I would have been in the office because I was free of distractions, which set me up for success on Friday. But it was disappointing to admit I needed to stay home because I had exhausted myself trying to meet basic needs the day before.

Friday was awesome though. I woke up with tons of energy, went to work, got through some important meetings, hit an important milestone with the team, and was able to go to the office holiday party! I made it through the whole party because I found a place to sit all night and packed myself some snacks. My legs were kiiiiiiiiilling me by the end of the night, but whatevs, they hurt everyday. Totes worth it.

Brittany came over on Saturday and we made kidney-friendly pizza using red pepper sauce instead of tomatoes! It was so fucking good. I miss pizza. Pizza’s tough because the dough and the cheese have a ton of protein and all of it has tons of secret salt and tomatoes are high in potassium, so basically if I don’t make it carefully myself it’s too dangerous. We’re gonna try again, maybe make our own dough and it’ll be super more friendly!

Brittany objects to this photo.


– – – Here’s where today’s earlier (re)writings were interrupted because Chemo was over, Josh hadn’t shown up and I had to go find him. Let me finish recapping the several previous days’ highlights for you now before we dig into the mess that was the rest of today and how I’m doing now in this moment. It’s important to remember the good times. 

I spent a lot of Sunday working. I knew I’d be out on Wednesday, and I wasn’t sure if Chemo was going to wipe me out for the week, so I took a lot of time to prepare things as best I could for a worst-case scenario so the team and the project doesn’t suffer (much) if I’m out for a prolonged period again. This is great because I actually did a TON of work and now will be able to focus on other work things for the next couple weeks and be able to pitch in and not be underwater. It’s a win win for a hard day’s work! 

Oh, also! During Saturday Night Insomnia I Googled “shoes pregnant women swollen feet” so Sunday I got up early and went to the Sketchers Outlet and found these sweet men’s extra wide memory foam boats for my cantaloupe-size feet! On clearance! I tried on the recommended pregnant women shoes–all impossibly narrow. But these guys! They’ve helped so much already. My feet were starting to get really fucked up from chafing issues and popped blood vessels from being shoved in my vans boat shoes (the only shoes I could still even get on at all) so I needed a more comfortable solution. And these are great! And not completely hideous–at least they’re a nice neutral gray. 

Marcie’s fat head for scale.


Monday I decided to go to work, even though I knew Tuesday was already a planned long day. My energy has been super good and I was losing weight, so I went for it. It was great! Jess and I ended up taking Bart, which was not great–especially the harsh reminder that GOING UP STAIRS IS REALLY FUCKING HARD RIGHT NOW. That drained a lot of energy I didn’t have first thing in the morning. Then I stood on Bart with a mask on. Apparently the mask and a general look of agony isn’t enough for anyone to offer me their seat, and I have not yet developed any selection process for awkwardly asking someone for their seat–so, suffering instead. I survived, then I did it again later to get home. 

Tuesday was the last hurrah! A long day of work followed by an outing for Elora’s birthday! I planned and packed back-up meals in case dinner was a kidney disaster (it wasn’t, so I ate that PBJ for lunch today instead). I rode the bus to work, which was fine. Except I sat next to a cougher, so I immediately pounded Emergen-C when I got to the office. Don’t worry, she was a considerate careful cougher and I made a point of holding my breath and not touching anything on that bus and feel fine today. I also find out today that my white blood count is totally back to normal so I’m not completely without an immune system, just suppressed still from steroids. 

ANYWAY work was good. Stressful, but I found a few good Pockets of Zen throughout the day to maintain balance, which is what is important. Dinner was lovely–not filling, but I had packed follow-up snacks which I annhilated much to Aja’s amusement during the intermission. The Lion King was AMAAAAAAAZING and totally worth how painful it was to sit in that chair unable to stretch out my legs. So, so happy I felt up to it and was able to have a fun night out with the ladies. ❤ 

Happy Birthday Elora!

I’m glad we recapped all that, I already feel a little better. Let’s chat about how the rest of today went after Chemo. 

So, for context, besides just generally being due to check in with Josh and wanting to ask him some questions, I also DESPERATELY needed to see him today because HR has been UP MY ASS for extremely explicit documentation regarding my ability to work for all the annoying HR-type reasons you can possibly imagine and things were going to get very ugly for me if I didn’t procure signed documents TODAY. (And let me say that our HR people are super nice and competent and have been very understanding and accommodating and just doing their jobs and I’m the villain here because I’ve been terrible because for one I’m just really bad at shit like this for some reason and always have been and also Josh runs his office like it’s 1993 and doesn’t use email and it’s easily the WORST thing about him, so everything just feels a little impossible.) So, I was pretty stressed out. I was also getting really exhausted. I also found out some important facts from my Chemo nurse today which I was not happy about:

  1. One of the featured drugs in today’s Chemo Cocktail is more steroids! Oh AWESOME JUST WHAT I NEED. 
  2. One of the major side effects of the drugs in my Chemo Cocktail is “extreme constipation”. This was news to me, and explains a lot about about a certain stretch of time in my hospital stay lemme tell you. Why won’t people tell me the side effects before they give me things when I ask?!
  3. One of the major components of my Chemo Cocktail is several liters of fluid. Necessary to protect my vital organs from the literal poison they’re injecting into my veins, but as someone experiencing serious fluid-retention issues responsible for my some of the most substantial quality of life downgrades I have right now, this conerned me. Fluid-rention issues that I thought I finally had under control because I lost ten pounds last week! It really concerned me when I felt my face get fatter than it was this morning as I was sitting in Chemo. It deeply concerned me when they weighed me at Josh’s office and it was like I hadn’t lost any weight at all and the accuracy of my home scale was called into question. And now that I’ve confimed my home scale is just fine and I did in fact gain back 8lbs today from chemo fluid that will probably take me at least a week to lose again I just want this day to be over. Fucking sausage legs. 

I did get one piece of really good news from my Chemo nurse though, which is I don’t have to be quarantined post-Chemo, so I can go right back to work if I feel up to. Which is awesome because there’s tons of holiday festivities at work this Friday and I’d be really sad to miss them! She’s also really confident I’m going to tolerate the Chemo fine and gave me some meds to manage side effects if I have any. So I feel good about that! 

Ok–so there’s the stress context for my Josh Hunt. Also, remember I’m exhausted and perpetually hungry. Here’s where things start to get really bumpy–buckle up! 

We go upstairs two floors to Josh’s office and, surprise, he’s not there. His office staff are helpful, tech savvy, and also pretty cute. They are my people. I get the impression they don’t like pretending it’s 1993 in there either. I explain my paperwork situation to them–emphasis on needing it TODAY, OR ELSE. We figure out how to fax documents from my iPhone to their office because THE FUTURE IS NOW and The Dream of the 90s is Alive in Josh’s Office. And just as this initiative is taking flight we hear the tell-tale sounds of Josh singing in the hallway.

“Hello!”

“Hey!”

“You’re here!” 

“YOU’RE here! I need you!”

What I find out later is that Dad ran down to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and ran into Josh and told him I was waiting for him in his office with no appointment. And even though Josh was already running late to something he rushed upstairs because he is the fucking best. 

“How are you feeling?”

“I’M GREAT! I’m faxing you annoying paperwork, I’m really sorry, but HR is going to murder me if you don’t fill it out.”

We did our check-up, I told him how great I’ve been feeling all week, how I’m finally shedding the water weight, how low my BP has been, how Chemo went and how good my blood numbers are, and that I’m really curious if my kidney numbers are finally improving with everything else. 

Well, they’re not. We looked at my lab report from the blood I gave Friday morning before work and they’re TERRIBLE.

My creatinine is over 4 — tanking my GFR to 12. W T F. 

Remember this is Friday morning — the day I was stressed as fuck at work, then was out all night at our office holiday party and basically felt totally fine besides leg pain. W T F kidneys?! 12% kidney function? Are you kidding? It’s been over a month of steroids and Chemo and this fuckin diet and 12% is where I’m at? WHY am I doing this? 

So, I launch into some questions I’d wanted to ask Josh today anyway. 

Would we have to finish this 6-month treatment plan I’m on before I can receive a transplant? 

No. If things continue this way we jump ship on Chemo and do the transplant as soon as the match goes through. Try to find a living donor sooner than later. In the meantime, we continue the Chemo because that + steroids + the plasma aphaeresis I had is still my best shot at avoiding dialysis if finding a match takes a long time.

Ok. What do we think caused this dip? Is there something I should be trying to pay attention to? What are we missing? 

It could be the increases to the meds — the diuretic and/or the blood pressure meds. It could also be related to BP being lower (W T F — damned if I do…). Let’s get more blood tested today and see if I’m stable from Friday or even worse (or magically better!) and make a plan from there. 

Ugh, I just had a fucking IV in there and could have gotten that so easily. UGH NEEDLES IN BOTH ELBOW PITS WHYYYYY. (It ended up fine. I ended up with the old Asian man again and he’s my favorite because he just goes for it on my tiny veins with the needles for small children and I don’t even hardly feel it. I love him. He had to take my blood twice in one day right before Halloween and made off-color vampire jokes. He’s great.) 

I made Josh really late to whatever thing he was already late for (meeting, not with another patient, so not much guilt on my part, haha, I mean he did forget to visit me, which he apologized for) but he filled out all my vitally important paperwork in exceptionally legible handwriting (which I complimented him on–“your lucky day!” he replied). He got a little cheeky. There was a lot of YES/NO boxes on these forms with regards to unpredictable questions, especially in light of my garbage numbers, so for the last one he created a MAYBE box to check instead then wrote “We hope not!” off to the side. Which is hilarious and really illustrates who I’m dealing with here. But I hope doesn’t get me in trouble with HR who gave me explicit direction to not be ambiguous in the responses, haha. Oh well. SORRY HR I JUST DON’T KNOW RIGHT NOW IF I’M GOING TO NEED MAJOR SURGERY AND WE’RE ALL JUST GONNA HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT UNCERTAINTY TOGETHER OK?!

So then I got blood drawn and got to attempt to leave SF at precisely 3:30PM which is basically the worst time imaginable to try to leave the city, as it gets you deep into Oakland traffic at precisely 5PM which is also THE WORST. So we were in the car forever with my father who is no longer accustomed to rush hour traffic, let alone the Bay Area’s unique brand of total fucking idiot rain drivers. So yeah the drive home was a super relaxing cap to a shit time during which I tried not to start too heavily processing how much I hate my kidneys so I wouldn’t start crying and instead focused on things I can control–like work! 

And now I’ve basically done a merry-go-round of that all night. Where I know, in my head, I HAVE to start taking meaningful steps towards finding a kidney, but I know that the first step is dealing with the overwhelming panic I start to feel every time I try to start thinking about it in any real way and I really don’t want to but now I’m crying so I’m halfway there, this totally worked, I’m gonna go cry over my stupid fucking kidneys and hopefully fall asleep. It’s 1AM now I’ve been writing this for four straight hours my eyes probably won’t work very well tomorrow but I’ll be all cried out. 

Morning Update: I feel better but also like shit. Between crying and water weight my face is massive and puffy again and I’m torn between wanting to wallow in self-pity in bed and wanting to get the fuck up and go to work where I’ll at least feel good about myself. I think work is going to win–if I get too tired, or start feeling bad, I’ll leave early and come home to wallow. 

Marcie is the best. She’s not accustomed my hysterical sobbing and decided the best thing she could do last night is come over and rest her head on my chest. She’s still on top of me now. 

Ok, time to get up. 

02
Dec
16

I had a very busy day yesterday!

I’m writing to you from bed because insomnia — it is midnight Friday. These steroids have made me even more efficient on even less. My body is ridiculous. I don’t know how it does this. What sort of insane beast will I be when I’m closer to “normal” health?

ANYWAY

I went to work again yesterday! It was even more awesome than Tuesday. I’m definitely getting my groove back. My ankles are swoll as fuck — I did a worse job of sitting down and elevating my legs and I’m paying for it now, but otherwise I feel great! It’s so much easier for me to focus without those headaches I was having and I’m less fatigued. The strain this extra weight is putting on my body is a new challenge, but I’m not exhausted and unfocused like I was in the weeks leading up to my crisis. Mentally, I feel like I’m firing on all cylinders again. Being back at work has been really good for my self-esteem. I feel the most like myself when I’m kicking ass at work.

Before I went to work I had my follow-up appointment with Josh. I was a few minutes late which really stressed me out, but it ended up being ok (he ended up being later–fucking doctors, man). There’s not much to report. Treatmentwise everything is still really wait-and-see. He said my urine had “less activity” which I guess means less wayward protein and other stuff that shouldn’t be in there, so that’s a good sign.

The awesome party I imagine in my urine specimen.

I got blood drawn today, he’s supposed to call me tomorrow with the numbers, so hopefully we’ll get good news there. My BP has been stable since the hospital. It’s still a little high, I’m usually around 140/90, so we’re gonna bump up one of my BP meds and see if that brings it a little lower. My energy has been really good and I’m mostly tolerating my meds pretty good. I told him I’ve been feeling sensitive to the iron the last couple days but all he did was give me his sad “sorry bout it” face, so I guess that’s just a thing I have to deal with. UGH. My body needs iron but doesn’t want it, I hate you, anemia! I’m feeling a little better now though, so that’s good at least.

I reminded him I’ve gained 20-25 lbs since being admitted to the hospital and it’s very uncomfortable. I’m definitely getting double whammied with water weight from the steroids plus edema from my reduced kidney function. Hopefully it goes down as we taper the steroids and I hopefully regain some kidney function. In the meantime, I’m allowed to increase the diuretic I’m on until I see results and explore other means of dealing with it, such as acupuncture if I want to. I definitely need to find some solutions. My ankles, knees, and back are having a hard time supporting this extra weight now that I insist on not just laying in a hospital bed all day (and even that was still hurting my back). Not to mention I only have one old pair of baggy jeans that fits peak sausage legs and I’m not super interested in buying a ton of clothes that I’ll hopefully only need for a number of weeks. Same goes for shoes. But at least shoes will still fit after. Might use as an excuse for new shoes, hehe. Also, sweaters.

The one bummer thing is that Josh thinks it’s pertinent for me to start actively finding a living kidney donor match. Because my last recorded GFR was under 20, I qualify for the transplant list, so I should prep my transplant. Hopefully this changes with today’s blood test, but even so I’ll still be pretty close to the danger zone and better to be prepared. Outlook is much better for me if I’m ready to go with a living donor and can avoid dialysis if things go south. Since my body has been pretty fucking unpredictable with this whole mess, having Plan B ready is definitely the smart thing. Once I have my consultation with the living donor program folks I’ll send out some information on how you can get tested, if you’re so inclined.

While I was having Josh Time, my parents were downstairs stalking the chemo scheduler. I don’t know how many messages my mom ended up leaving this guy yesterday on my behalf, but he didn’t return any of em. Luckily, great success in person! Mom got my next chemo treatment pushed out about a week and a half, so I get to do a bunch of things I would like to do before my next treatment potentially takes me out (mostly some important work things, hopefully our holiday party, Elora’s birthday, and my parents will be back in town). She was also able to shift ALL my other appointments for the next six months from Tuesdays to Wednesdays which is a thousand times more convenient for my existing work schedule. Huzzah! Thanks Mom & Dad!

After I put in another full day of work with a little too much standing, Brittany came over for dinner! I went to the doctor, and to work, and was social! Like a  full human being! And the only downside is my wrecked ankles. Not too shabby.

I also came a little close to having a meltdown over the amount of protein in a tortilla jeopardizing my dinner plans. But it ended up being ok because I was so skimpy with my protein at breakfast this morning (which I also paid for — I was fucking STARVING before I ate an egg at lunch today). Food is important.

We’ve been making great strides in the food department. Mom downloaded a renal diet cookbook on her iPad with a lot of super useful information and recipes to try. She made us mac and cheese out of it the other night that was pretty good and can definitely be made better with more adventurous seasonings. I had the leftovers for lunch today.

I’ve got my system more or less figured out and it’ll get better over time. Protein and salt are definitely my problem areas. Protein adds up fast, especially now that I’ve started eating some meat again and fucking secret salt is going to make it really difficult for me to eat out. I spent a lot of time the other day googling the eateries around my office to find good options and SHIT IS BLEAK. Stuff I can find nutritional information for is mostly out of the question unless it’s the ONLY thing I eat that day (duh, no can do, will starve and die), and most places don’t post any nutritional information. I can figure out protein and potassium on my own from ingredient lists for the most part, but if those fools salt things I’m fucked, so I can’t really risk it. It’s a toughy. There’s going to be a lot of advanced meal prep and packed lunches in my future. Lots of pasta and fruit and hard boiled eggs. And popcorn. I am going to learn to love popcorn (with NO SALT!).

UPDATE: I’ve waited all day long to post this for Josh to call me with my numbers from yesterday’s bloodwork.

My creatinine and GFR are the same as when I left the hospital :-/ SIGH

But, my hemoglobin is up to 9.5 so I’m out of the blood transfusion zone, so that’s good at least. GLAD SOMETHING WORKS.

I put in another full day at the office today. I am very tired. I’d like a full night’s sleep tonight. I have big plans to couch potato tomorrow. Mmm potatoes…

23
Nov
16

Sausage D

Nurse Marcie says Sausage D is still good for cuddles.


I feel a little more normal again today. 

By which I mean as a person who can maybe function in society again — which is not how I felt for the last two days. 

But today feels a little easier. I am constructing full sentences again. I think my face is emoting. I am not completely paralyzed by questions. I am not constantly on the verge of crying. 

I still feel like a sausage. When I was admitted to the hospital I was 120lbs — the same weight I’ve been since I stopped eating meat and highly processed sugars after college. Today, I weigh 140lbs. I’m carrying around 20lbs of extra water from these fucking steroids and it’s making me completely miserable. I realize 140lbs is still a fairly lean weight for someone of my height, it’s not really the weight gain I take issue with. It’s the way I have no control over how this extra weight is swashing all over my body with gravity. Because I spent all day yesterday sitting up in a chair, all of it is in my legs and feet today. It’s hard to walk, it’s hard to bend my legs. It’s painful for my feet, shoved into my narrow shoes. The puffiness in my face makes it hard to keep my eyes open. The vanity of not looking like myself is secondary to the level of discomfort that I’m in. 

Not that the body dysphoria I’m experiencing as a result of this is a picnic either. 

I’m lucky my preferred aesthetic is on the loose-fitting side so I still have clothes that fit. I can’t imagine how much more traumatizing this would be for someone coming into this situation with pre-existing self-image issues. What a nightmare. 

Mom and I are currently sitting in holiday traffic trying to get out of the city after my follow-up oncology appointment. The traffic is actually not too bad by SF rush hour standards, but Mom doesn’t believe me, haha. We’re both starving and pretty irritable. In typical doctors office fashion, they asked me to get there 15 minutes early (so I was 20 minutes early), then my doctor was 45 minutes late. After talking about how much my life is going to suck for the next 6+ months, I got to watch someone arbitrarily schedule the next 6 months of my life in a way designed specifically to undermine my career, then we got to wait another hour so I could get my hormone injection (which hurt, I still really hate needles you guys). 

We’re starving, I’m late taking my afternoon meds, and we’re trying to beat people to my house. It’s a rough day. 

But! Besides, Sausage D, I feel pretty good. My energy is up, my hemoglobin is up to 6.9, I slept pretty good last night, and today I get to take a shower! A shower in my shower! I get to wash some of the industrial strength adhesive off my neck and hopefully downgrade to a less intense bandage. My fancy paramedic sister will be around for this to make sure we do a good job. I put on real clothes today and left the house and did human things. 

I spent a lot of time last night cross-referencing my potassium, sodium, and protein lists and populating a spreadsheet that will be the foundation of the diet-tracking tool I’m building. They bumped up all my limits a little bit from what they were in the hospital and I think I’ll be able to figure out this diet thing pretty good and not starve to death. Tomorrow will be a challenge with Thanksgiving, but my family continues to be extremely supportive and accommodating and I think it’s gonna be pretty great. Just gotta watch the salt! 

Oh look, drawers full of things I’m lucky not to have! O.O




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